Let me start off with a disclaimer. I do not currently affiliate with any specific religion. I also do not judge anyone else for their beliefs. Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Agnostic, it makes no difference to me what you believe. I feel your spiritual journey is personal and influenced by your experiences, relationships, and the information you have received. In my opinion, there is no right or wrong spiritual journey.
When losing Harrison, I did not personally experience God. I wondered how could this be God’s plan? How could God’s grand plan include taking our baby? I was in a inner fight with God and wondering if he even existed. I was appreciative of all the messages I received stating, “We are praying for you.” I would think to myself, “Glad your praying, because I can not.”
I tried reading a few spiritual books in the early days on grief, as we received many as gifts. The first page usually talked about how you have a choice right now to embrace God or turn your back to his love. I would close the book and turn my back, decision made.
If there is a God, why would he allow this to happen to our family. What did we do wrong to deserve this? Or perhaps he knew we were strong enough to handle it, so he did it. That angers me even more!!! I’m handling this because I don’t have a another choice!
But here is the challenge, I am struggling to believe in God, but I need heaven. I needed our Harrison’s soul to be in a better place. A place with angels or something nice. His heaven would probably have lots of boobs to nurse and angels willing to bounce him on exercise balls and take him for walks. His boots and bar would be off and he would kick and roll freely! It’s a place I can eventually join and hold him again. A place where he is at peace.
Then to make matters more confusing, after Harrison passed, we experienced his presence. We had multiple lights bulbs blow out in the house. Our smoke alarm would chirp in Harry’s room and then stop suddenly without changing the battery. So there must be an afterlife.
And then there were the rainbows! We selected Somewhere Over the Rainbow as Harrison’s song. I saw 4 rainbows the week after his passing one was a double full rainbow. I had never seen this in my life! It was magnificent!
While I didn’t want to believe in God, I was experiencing Harrison’s spirit often. Where is his spirit? Is he alone? Is he with me? Or is he with this so called God? The God who “planned” his death. Ugh, I continued to ponder my questions.
One night, I was laying in Bennett’s room trying to get him to sleep. The room was dark and with only the constant shush of a sound machine. I heard a clear calm child’s voice, “mommy.” It sounded different than Bennett’s voice. It interrupted my personal thought. It was so loud and clear. I didn’t have to strain to hear it. I opened my eyes and looked around. The room was dark and Bennett was asleep. Did I dream it? But I’m awake. I lay my head back down, “mommy.” It happened again. “Who is that?” I’m not controlling this. I heard it 7 more times. I realized it was Harrison, so I closed my eyes and listened again. But I couldn’t make it happen on my own will. I got up and walked into Harrison’s room and I said out loud, “It’s ok to go Harrison. I love you! I will see you again. Go be at peace sweet baby boy! We will be ok. There are good people up there Granny, PaBob, Grandma Stratton, Grandpa Bob, Grandma Alice, and Jason Coale. They will help you.”
And that was it. I have not heard him or experienced him again. I believe he made his way to heaven. I think of him constantly and I remember him and honor him, but I don’t believe his spirit is on Earth. He is in Heaven. And I will hold him again when I get there.
So…how do you live at peace in a mind experiencing these extreme thoughts? I am experiencing Harrison’s spirit but rejecting God. Because his “plan” sucks. I know I’m far from perfect in Gods eyes, but was I soooo awful I deserved to lose my baby??
Then my Father In Law mailed us a book “Why Bad Things Happen to Good People.” He then sent us a note stating, read the last chapter first. So I did.
Here is what I learned and what makes the most sense right now. God does not plan the bad in this world. He hates it just like we do. However he does support us through the bad. When the unimaginable strikes, he gives you the strength to get through. For today, this thought makes me a little more open to God. So I will sit on that thought.
I do believe the process of Harry Joy has already touched many people. I believe the idea of Harry’s Joy may be Gods plan. I believe I am less selfish having experienced Harrison’s loss. I have found a strength I didn’t know I possessed and clarity about life’s priorities. If I could trade all these insights to bring Harrison back, I would! But I can’t! Nothing will bring him back. So I will wait until I see him again in Heaven.