Tonight I sit and look into Alex’s big brown eyes and I feel overcome with a wave of emotions crashing down on me. How do I process the last 2 1/2 years? It’s as if I have been on a journey in a car with no brakes going 1000mph.
Tomorrow, Alex turns one year old. A normal typical milestone for most, for me, it feels like an Earth-shattering accomplishment.
After losing out second son, Harrison, over two years ago, my life changed unexpectedly in a moment. The experience changed who I am in my soul. I used to grieve not just the loss of Harrison but the loss of my prior self. The loss of a naive, sheltered approach to life. Now I am acutely aware of how fast life can change.
It was 2 months after we loss Harrison when our grief counselor recommend we get pregnant again. The recommendation shocked me. I was barley functioning and she is recommending baby making? Good Lord!!! That was the last thing on my mind. However, 6 months later, it still seemed scary, I still hurt like hell, but the logic in me (or maybe it was my biological clock) steered me to have my IUD removed.
The universe must have known that my husband and I needed an easy button. Within days I had a positive pregnancy test. The excitement was accompanied with fear of the worst case scenario.
As the pregnancy progressed so did my fear and grief. I remember crying just days before I delivered Alex because I missed Harrison so much I was worried I was not in a mindset to be able to attach to another baby, a different baby. I just wanted Harrison back.
After Alex was born I quickly realized my love and attachment to her, just like with Bennett, is independent of my grief from losing Harrison. Over this past year I still grieve for Harrison but I also enjoy Bennett and Alex.
Alex has brought us so much joy. And seeing Bennett have a living sibling again is magical, a true gift. However, having an infant in the house again did cause flashbacks. Some milestones felt as if had waited 2 years to see. I also find myself parenting as if this is my last chance to see her. I feel desperately appreciative of the opportunity to be her Mommy. Embracing each second, each milestone, enjoying getting to know her personality and watching her develop each day is truly a gift.
So tonight on the eve of your first birthday. I pray I can continue to keep you safe and protect you from harm. I hope you grow up to live a happy, fulfilling, healthy life, where you are able to share your happiness and talents with the world. I pray that some day I will see the milestone of watching you drive a car, go off to college, walk down the aisle, have children and grandchildren. But until then, I will be trying to freeze time, so I don’t miss a moment. So I don’t forget any stage.
I love you forever!
Happy Birthday, Alex!