Christmas, is a time for joy and family.  I look forward to it every year.  It’s my favorite holiday.  It’s a time for caring and sharing.  Our schedule is full with traditions that create a lifetime of memories for all. I take a break from work life and turn my focus towards the things I value most, family and friends.

But this should be Harrison’s first Christmas.  We should have presents for him under the tree.  Our Santa pictures should include two kids.  I see 11 month old babies everywhere and I miss him.  I dream of how life would be if he was here on Earth.   Change that, I dream of how things SHOULD be.  

I wish I could see my boys play together.  How would they interact at this point?  Bennett likes sleeping in Harrison’s room now.  It has been 6 months since we lost him, and his room is the same.  The same sheets on the crib, his clothes fill the closet and drawers.  There are even 4 tiny outfits sitting in the dirty clothes.  

I wonder if Harry were alive if Bennett and Harrison would share this room.  I imagine Bennett would sleep in the bed and Harrison in the crib.  I always hoped they would choose to share a room since they were so close in age. 

These dreams will always be part of me.  This incredibly deep desire to have Harrison on Earth will live with me forever.  This missing piece of my heart will remain empty forever.

While I have moments of sadness this Christmas, I don’t feel overwhelmed with sadness or grief.  I feel absolutely overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation.

We have been the recipients of so much kindness this year.  I am humbled by our family, friends, and even strangers that have wrapped us in kindness over the past 6 months.  I am humbled by the enormous out pouring of support to honor and remember our sweet Harrison through acts of kindness.  

I am appreciative to have the opportunity to watch Bennett explore his world daily.  I am appreciative for a strong, compassionate, man to walk this life journey together. I am thankful for the four and half months of joy we experienced with Harrison in our arms.

Today, I choose to feel blessed!  

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.