I have dreaded Jan 28, 2016 for 6 months now.   How does one survive your baby’s first birthday when he is not on Earth to celebrate?  I’ve been asking myself this question for 6 months.  I have brainstormed many ideas.  Do I throw a party?  Do I host a fundraiser?  Do I sulk in sarrow?   What if I make the wrong choice?  I became paralyzed and overwhelmed so I did nothing.  

Until last night, when I was on my way home from work.  I was already late getting home and I changed my plan.   I turned erratically from the straight lane.  I compulsively needed balloons and cupcakes.  Harrison may not be here but, DAMN IT , he happened.  So we will celebrate his birth.  I will hang the Happy Birthday banner and we will sing.  Because Harrison’s Life Matters!

The pain and sarrow I feel in this moment is so heavy.  I don’t think it is any lighter than the day he passed.  In a way, this pain is harder because the adrenaline and shock have worn off.  The knumbness is gone.  This pain now feels familiar.  It’s not something I feel daily any more, but I recognize it.  I don’t avoid it.

As I sit here allowing my body to flood with memories, I find myself reflecting.  I lose my breath in tears because I am overwelmed with the enormous volume of love we have received this year.  The countless people who have cared for us, held us, and loved us is so incredibly overwhelming.  

I feel so appreciative of EVERYTHING!  I have experienced human connection on a new level this year.  I have countless moments that may seem mundane yet are vivid memories I will carry forever.  I wish I could write about every person that supported us from the shortest text that meant the world to me to the largest investment in time and money.  I have felt touched by it all.  There is no way words can express my graditutde to everyone.  I just want to say thank you to everyone who supported us this year.  Please know every hug, kind word, note, text, email, gift, donation, and meal leaves me feeling overwelmed with graditude.  

Thank you for honoring Harrison through acts of kindness.

Our official act of kindness to honor Harrison’s first birthday will not be ready today.  We will share a few smaller acts tomorrow and post the official act in a few days.