I always hated the word “New Normal.” However, I think that is what I feel. I can never regain my normal prior to Harrison’s passing. I am forever different. First, Harrison is not physically in this normal. Secondly, I have a pain I carry with me in life. A deep pain that isn’t always apparent but is present. Finally, I have a new appreciation and awareness of human kindness. I understand what it means to be in need of support and to receive support and love in abundance. I know what it feels like to know I have been loved by so many that I can not repay the favor. These life lessons make my new normal different than before. So I think we are at a “New Normal.”
Our life feels full of normal stresses like getting a 3 year old to stay in his bed all night. We have normal happiness watching Bennett explore his world. Listening to him talk about important things like Monster Trucks, Legos, the color orange. We are enjoying time as a family, playing games, taking walks, and mostly just being together. We have normal challenges of teaching Bennett sharing and kindness. Our life is normal. Our life is happy.
One thing I cannot figure out in this new normal is how to introduce my “new” family. Meeting new people is part of life. Most conversations start with, “Do you have kids?” What do I say? One? It just doesn’t sound right to me. I’ve tried it. I don’t have one child, I have two children. But when I say two, this is usually followed with, how old are your kids? Now what? Do I say, “Three years and our youngest passed?” Or do I lie in order to avoid the enevidable awkward silence and say, “Three years and 13 months?” Nothing feels right. Most of the time, if I tell a stranger my baby died, they treat me like a weirdo. But he is my baby! It feels weird not to acknowledge him. I was always frustrated that there was no perfect book on how to raise a child. Well, there is no perfect book on how to be the Mom to an angel. So I guess I will keep saying I have two babies and deal with the awkward pause when I say one died.
Even though we have hit a “New Normal,” I know our grief journey is not over. Still today, I find myself struggling with anger! It is a feeling that I don’t want to carry forever. So I hope it continues to get better. But I’m still really pissed! I’m not pissed at the universe anymore. However, I’m pissed about everything that should have happened or shouldn’t have happened on that day. I have to control my brain from going down the tailspin of anger. At times, I feel capable of screaming a cry that would be heard around the world. I don’t like being angry. I will get through this… in the mean time, I will focus my energy of spreading Harrison’s Joy. I will honor him every day!
For Harry’s Joy today we had the wonderful opportunity to visit with a family that is also experiencing grief. Bennett helped pick out some gifts for a couple beautiful young ladies that recently lost there father. I feel so honored they allowed us to connect today. I also feel sooo incredibly sad for them and their beautiful mother and his parents. I hope for a moment our gifts brought a distraction from reality.