So many feelings….Today was a hard day. This week had highs and lows. Next Monday the kids will start at Montessori and Jason goes back to work. I’m so sad. I wish I had more time!! Yes I’m scared to increase our risk but mostly I’m sad. I’m going to miss my kids. I know CRAZY right?!?

Every logical bone in my body knows I need the focus and quiet at work. But I’m going to miss them all. It feels like I’m returning from maternity leave all over again. Im not sleep deprived or hormonal but I still have ALL the feels. I’m pondering if being a working mom makes sense. I know it does. But after all the stressing, constant chaos, anxiety over homeschool, I have realized during the quarantine how much I miss out by not having them home.

I will be transparent, my kids are sick of each other. The fights today have been nonstop. Alex didn’t nap today. She knows all the ways to annoy her brother. Today she took every opportunity to pull off every annoying little sister trick in the book. Bennett is emotional. I’m sure the days and weeks of absolutely no peer social interaction is wearing on him. He used to talk about missing friends and cry about it. Now he just loses his EVER LOVING mind!! He shows extreme outbursts of anger and frustration. During the outburst I just tell myself he needs to get this out. I give him time, and then ask when he needs a hug. Then we embrace through it.

Days are hard and monotonous. We have worked our tails off to support Bennett so he would not fall behind at school. We have accepted that we will be spending the summer trying to catch up. We may not catch up at all. I have stressed over his school struggles. I have battled through his resistance. I have given myself pep talks to make things fun for him so he will engage with me. I have spent countless nights making homeschool schedules, plans, and to-do lists.

Not to mention the house. Oh Lord, the house! You have no clue what a mess is until you have seen our house during quarantine. I’m pretty sure my three year old can destroy a room in less than 1 second. We own toys simply so she can dump them. Plus, based on the looks of our kitchen floor, our kids eat like wild animals. And let’s face it….I am not a good house keeper!

This has been so hard….so why am I sooo sad? I’m not ready to be done. I dislike chaos! So why am I sad? When this first started I dreamt of the day I could drop my kids at school. But now…. I kind of want to bottle up this quarantine and keep it forever.

Because amid all the struggles the silver lining is so spectacular. We have found a closeness within our family unit. A bond that is so strong with each of our kids. A teamwork between my husband and I that is so rewarding. I’m not ready to let it all go. I love the family meals. I love the kids are interested in helping me cook and clean, even though it takes longer and makes a bigger mess. I love to hear Bennett’s creative ideas and watch him make master pieces out of trash. I love hearing all about the Bird Eating Spider book he read with dad for homeschool. Back when he went to school, I would ask about his day and get, “It was good.” Now I get all the details! The body of the spider is the size of a dinner plate and the legs the size of rulers!! I love having lunch with my kids as we talk about the birds we have seen on our feeders. I love how Alex is relentless to get us all to play “Eye Spy” EVERYDAY and she cheats EVERYTIME.

I know all theses thing won’t just disappear on Monday and it may seem dramatic but there are only so many hours in the day. And when your kids spend 9 of them at school we miss so much. Then they come home acting like tired, hungry, fire-breathing dragons. It’s hard! As a working Mom sometimes I feel like we get our kids at their worst, most the time. So I’m just grieving as we prepare for the change.

So this weekend we are going to soak up one full weekend of all the family time. I’m going to say, “Yes” this weekend to playing with my kids. I’m going to power clean the house and what doesn’t get done within a couple hours can sit another week. I’m going to work less this weekend. I’m going to pray I don’t cry all day on Monday when I am left alone in my home office for a full work day for the first time in 65 days. I’m going to pray we somehow continue to stay healthy.